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I’ll never forget the first time we took the whole family out for Mexican food. We had four little men ages 6 and younger, and I was pregnant with number five. (Seriously, what were we thinking?)

The service was unusually slow, so the kids munched on stale raisins from the diaper bag. After an hour one kid had fallen out of his seat and had a bruise to prove it. One had spilled water all over the table; another had choked on a tortilla chip and thrown up on his plate. And the food still hadn’t come. When it finally arrived our order was all wrong. All in all, not an unusual experience for a young family trying to have a meal out.

Except . . . it was Mother’s Day.

And every little inconvenience, every spill, every fuss, and whine weighed extra on my heart. This was Mother’s Day. My day. The day my husband had thoughtfully set aside for me to enjoy being queen for a day. But I didn’t feel like a queen. I felt like a worn-out mommy.

This Mother’s Day, thousands of moms will be disappointed because the day didn’t turn out the way they expected. But there is hope. There’s a way to have a disappointment-proof Mother’s Day. And it starts with us.

Day for Compensation
First, let’s back up a little. Where does our disappointment come from? There’s a popular meme floating around Facebook that describes a mom’s job. It says something like: “I’m a chef, chauffer, nurse, counselor, maid . . .” And the point is always, “Don’t tell ME I don’t have a job. I’m a MOM.”

I used to find these lists amusing and affirming. Now I think they can be damaging. Without realizing it, we start to measure our worth by these lists. And we want others to notice and show appreciation. But this only makes us defensive and bitter. How can anyone ever thank us enough? No Mother’s Day card, no fancy brunch, and no bouquet is enough to repay us for these jobs.

If we fixate on being appreciated, we’ll always be let down. A day of celebration becomes a day of compensation. It’s our chance to get a little payback. “Finally,” we think. “The kids will recognize all I do around here.” And yes, it is good and right to honor mothers. It’s right to say, “Thank you for all you do.” But if our identity is tied to how well we’re appreciated, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Day for an Identity Check
The problem with the “mom job” description is that it boils down my worth to the sum of my to-do lists. It might make me feel more important for a little while, but soon I’m empty again.

The solution is to remember who I am, not what I do. As a Christian woman, my identity is united with Jesus Christ—his sinless life and perfect righteousness (2 Cor. 5:21). The beauty about finding my identity in Jesus is that I can stop obsessing about my identity altogether. It’s not about who I am. It’s about who he is. Jen Wilkin reminds us:

As long as we keep the emphasis on us instead of on a higher vision, we will take small comfort from discussions of identity. Our primary problem as Christian women is not that we lack self-worth, not that we lack a sense of significance or purpose. It’s that we lack awe.

Do you want to have an incredible Mother’s Day? Stand in awe of the One who made you a mother. Let each sticky kiss and messy card remind you of a few things about God: Every good gift is from the Father of lights (James 1:17). God’s strength is perfected in weak moms (2 Corinthians 12:9). He gives us the wisdom we so desperately need (James 1:5).

Now those are reasons to celebrate.

Day for Celebration
This outward, God-centered focus knocks our expectations for Mother’s Day back into place. It relieves the pressure of expecting a day that lives up to our valuation of motherhood. This day is about God’s faithfulness, not mine. Motherhood isn’t a job I’ve been hired for. It’s a calling I’ve been entrusted with. This turns a day of compensation into one of true celebration.

This Mother’s Day, I’m going to step down off the pedestal my kids so sweetly and clumsily set up for me, and celebrate alongside them. My value is in Christ, not in this day. So give me the breakfast in bed and all the spills that go with it. I want every messy reminder that God made me a mom.

Except for the restaurant experience. I can wait a few more years for that.

TheGospelCoalition. How to Not Ruin Your Own Mother's Day. Sara Wallace. May 13, 2017.

Transitions are tricky. I have been through many of them in my life—marriage, a child, then two and then three children, retirement, aging, becoming a widow. I launched our three children into the world and then watched them let go of our twelve grandchildren. I’m still not qualified to tell you how to navigate this particular season of motherhood, but I pray the Holy Spirit will use this letter to encourage you to cling to your Savior as you let go of your child. 

We are products of our theology. What we know about God will determine whether we flounder or flourish during transitions like these: 

“The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day” (Prov. 4:18).

“The righteous flourish like the palm tree . . . They are planted in the house of the LORD; they flourish in the courts of our God. They still bear fruit in old age . . .” (Psalm 92:12-15).

At age 83, I can testify to this forward movement of the gospel in our lives. My eyesight is weaker, but the path is brighter. My body is weaker, but my spirit flourishes. Because of God’s persevering grace, I know him better today than I did yesterday. In every transition I’ve faced as a mom, God never changed—but I continually change as I increasingly experience the reality of his presence. The biggest transition that determines our response to every transition is: “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30).  

This season of motherhood is fraught with unknowns. Yet, I encourage you to meditate on what you do know and reflect on the opportunities before you.

God created us for his glory. 

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world . . . to the praise of his glorious grace” (Eph. 1:3-6).

Our identity is not in our various roles or in our children’s success but in our triune God. We are his image-bearers created to reflect his glorious grace. The Westminster Shorter Catechism succinctly states, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.” This brilliant statement clarifies and simplifies life, even as our children leave the nest. Each morning, I’ve made it a practice to pray, “Lord, show me how to glorify and enjoy you in whatever you ordain for me today.” Dear mom, I encourage you too: ask the Lord to empower you to glorify and enjoy him in this letting-go season. 

We are to glorify God in our marriage. 

In preparation for this change in your parental role, talk and pray with your husband if you’re married. Take his hand and say, “‘Magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!’ (Ps. 34:3) as we transition to this new season of parenting. Let’s help one another navigate this change with grace.” 

Prayerfully consider—together and individually—how you will re-allocate your time as daily responsibilities for your kids wind down. Ask the Lord to show you where and how he wants you to share your gifts and graces with others. Consider spiritually mothering young moms, spending more time caring for aging parents, going on mission trips together, or discipling young couples.  

Agree together how you will relate to your child—who is now an adult. (For example, if you are still paying some or all of his bills, what accountability will you expect from him?) Entrust your child to Jesus and communicate with her with grace. The primary teaching time is past, but consider the words of the psalmist:

“You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip” (Psalm 18:35-36).

Support . . . gentleness . . . wide place. These can characterize our role with our kids in the letting-go season.

Two realities I must mention: you may be a single mom, or you may be experiencing alienation from a child who is walking in disobedience. This adds to the pain of letting go. I pray the next three “things you know” will comfort and strengthen you. 

As God’s beloved children, we have access to his throne of grace. 

During our children’s teen years, a friend told me about praying Scripture for her son. I was immediately convicted. I realized I prayed about our children’s behavior and not their hearts. So, I asked the Lord to teach me to pray. 

My heart was drawn to Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:14-21. For almost four decades now, I have prayed this passage for those the Lord entrusted to my husband and me. The list has grown as our children married, then had children. I don’t want my prayers to be limited by what I can imagine, so I ask the Lord to do “far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (v. 20). 

I trust God and not myself, so I pray for his kingdom to come and his will to be done in their hearts (Matt. 6:10). As I pray Scripture, I see more of the bigness and hope of the gospel. My imagination and my joy soar as I think about him answering in his way and his time for each of the people I hold before him. 

No matter what choices your children make out on their own, cling to what you know about God. Our actions as moms do profoundly shape our children’s lives, so we want to continue taking responsibility, seeking forgiveness for our mistakes, and remaining humble to grow. Yet, we are not ultimately responsible for our children’s wrong choices, and we cannot change their hearts—but we can prayerfully entrust them to the Lord, who proved his love by giving his Child to die in our place. 

God has given us outward means of grace—his Word, prayer, worship, sacraments, and fellowship. 

Ask the Holy Spirit to use these outward means of grace to strengthen your inner being during this transition—that you might grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. The Lord has given us himself and adopted us into his family. Cultivate gospel friendships with those who will pray with and for you and your child. Seek the wisdom and prayers of spiritual mothers who are ahead of you in parenting. This will be especially important when your child goes through hard places.    

The Lord is writing your story and your child’s story, and he has not finished either one. 

When a mom shares her grief about hard things in her grown child’s life, I listen and then say, “I am sad with you. Your focus is on your child, but I see what the Lord is doing in you. I see you grieving but not as one without hope. I see you trusting him. I see you growing in him as he writes his story of grace in you, and I pray he will give you grace to trust him to accomplish his good plan in your child’s life.” 

Recently, a grandchild asked what I would change if I could rewrite my story. My response: “Nothing, because it took, and is taking, everything—the times of rejoicing and the times of weeping—to accomplish God’s purpose. Nothing is random. Nothing is wasted. God ordains it all for his glory and my good. Jesus writes long stories. They are good stories. They are redemptive stories.”

RisenMotherhood. A Letter for the Letting Go Years. July 31, 2023. Susan Hunt

https://www.risenmotherhood.com/articles/a-letter-for-the-letting-go-years

Tell me if this happens at your house.

You circle Mother’s Day on your husband’s calendar with red ink. You leave a note with the URL for your favorite florist on the bathroom sink, along with the number for rush deliveries, just in case. For weeks, you tell your children that Mother’s Day is “Mommy’s special day” and have them rehearse the name of your favorite restaurant so they can drop hints to Daddy.

Then Mother’s Day comes. You still have to make breakfast. The kids don’t dress themselves. The flowers don’t arrive, and your husband takes the family through the drive-through on your way home from church. The result? You spend the day stewing. You are miserable, and so is your family.

Maybe that’s not how it works for you. Maybe you are celebrated exactly how you want to be each Mother’s Day. But for most, this holiday can often be a major disappointment.

And you know what? Our husband and kids aren’t to blame.

Thinking we’re the center of the universe, even if it’s only for a day, misses a major point—namely, that we are not the center of the universe. We are a part of a family, an important part, yes, but we’re not so important that we’ve earned the right to demand adoration, affection, and a pass on serving others.

Here are some biblical truths that I need to be reminded of as Mother’s Day approaches. I hope they are helpful for you, too.

1. Humility is a twenty-four hour calling.

Matthew 23:12 doesn’t leave much room for tooting our own horn or demanding that our family toot it for us. It says, “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

This lifestyle of humility defines us as followers of Christ. It isn’t something we switch on and off. Mother’s Day is just like every other day in that it offers an opportunity to humble yourself and therefore live like Christ.

2. Motherhood is not a burden. It’s a gift!

Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.” If you are blessed enough to have children, your gift has already been delivered.

When you live out the gospel in your home, you are protesting sin. When you ask for and freely give forgiveness with your family, you are protesting bitterness. When you elevate God’s Word at the breakfast table, you are protesting the lies the enemy is screaming in the public sphere. What an opportunity! What a privilege! What a gift.

3. Remember who you serve.

I know that your kids probably don’t send thank-you notes very often, and your husband doesn’t always notice all the things you do to keep the plates spinning. But the truth is you don’t work for their approval.

Colossians 3:23–24 says, “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”

There is not a single act of service done in Christ’s name that He does not notice. He pays particular attention to you, even keeping meticulous records of your life (Ps. 56:8–9). God does not take for granted what is done in love. When we expect others to fulfill our need for affirmation, a root of idolatry is revealed. God sees you. God loves you. God rewards those who faithfully serve Him. You will only find yourself fulfilled when you are working to please your Creator.

4. Service is our mission.

In John 13:12–14 we read, “When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, ‘Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.’”

Serving your family demonstrates Christ to them and to families who are crumbling because they don’t know how to serve each other. Psalm 100:2 urges us to “serve the LORD with gladness!” Losing sight of this mission, even for a day, won’t make for a happy heart or a happy family. Serve, momma, and keep on serving. Today. Every day. Our mission is to love others sacrificially. It’s a full-time job that starts at home.

If you still feel like you can’t go on without a thank-you this Mother’s Day, may I sincerely thank you? Thanks for being a great mom! Thanks for doing the heavy lifting required to teach your kids about Jesus and for parenting according to God’s plan, even when it’s countercultural. Thanks for modeling service every day of every year, even when you don’t feel like it. And this Mother’s Day, thanks for finding practical ways to live like it’s not about you so that the people around you know it’s all about Him.

ReviveOurHearts. Rethinking Mother's Day. May 9, 2019. Erin Davis

https://www.reviveourhearts.com/blog/re-thinking-mothers-day/

Every morning, before our kids wake up, my husband Tim and I leash up the dogs and take a walk around the neighborhood. It’s a great way to connect before we start each day. 

At such an early hour, we ease into our conversation. It usually starts with a review of how we slept the night before, and later, what’s on the agenda for the day. This time is so ordinary. (We’re endlessly fascinated by the amount of poop our two little dogs are able to produce and how ill-behaved they are around others.) But in the middle of all of this very ordinary business, we also experience the extra-ordinary. 

This morning, with Father’s Day right around the corner, I prodded my usually matter-of-fact, non-introspective husband to dig deep into what he’s learned in his 20+ years of fatherhood. He doesn’t love it when I do this, but after some nagging gentle prodding, the wisdom started to flow.

Below is Tim’s top 10 list of the ordinary things that have reaped extraordinary blessing in his life as a Dad. May they bless you and your families this Father’s Day.

1. Date Your Kids

Everyone knows dating your wife is important, but do you date your kids? For years, Cara and I would alternate weeks and alternate kids on a weekly date night. Sometimes our date was as simple as running errands together, or other times it was extravagant as a movie night. But those weekly date nights gave us special insight into each child and what was going on in their little worlds. As they’ve gotten older, and their schedules have become more demanding, this has become more challenging. During busy seasons, when a “date night” is not in the cards for us, we still try to be intentional about getting some one-on-one conversations in with each child. 

2. Deal with Matters of the Heart in Discipline

It’s way easier and faster to punish kids for their behavior and never deal with the heart behind their actions. Every time discipline was (and is) required is a new opportunity to discuss the gospel with our kids. They sinned because they are sinners, and Jesus forgives because he’s our Savior. We all need more of Jesus and times of discipline are a bittersweet reminder that we never outgrow the gospel. It meets us right where we are, every time.  

3. Be More Patient 

I’m often amazed at how dumb kids can be. What did you think would happen when you threw that ball at the window, or stuck the pipe cleaner in the electrical outlet, or put the metal in the microwave? I can’t say I’m always good at finding the humor in these things at the moment. But as my kids get older (and I’m getting wiser), I’m learning to keep a lighter touch on those childhood inconveniences (and expenses).  

4. Love Them Intentionally, Even When They’re Annoying

The pre-teen/early-teen drama that happens in our home on a daily basis is exhausting. Everyday I hear new “fun facts” about Harry Potter, or some random YouTuber, that I don’t care about. But I try, I mean really try, to listen to what they care about. I sometimes don’t know whether to slap them (figuratively), or hug them (literally). If you have 11-14-year-olds in your home, you’ll probably understand. It goes so quickly, even when it goes so slowly. 

5. Let Them See You Struggle 

I’ve been self-employed most of my children’s lives, which has been both a challenge and a joy. It’s given me the opportunity to be more physically present, but it’s also meant some serious sacrifices have been made too. They haven’t had the kind of childhood where budgets weren’t a concern, or some corners didn’t need to be cut from time to time. But even in this, God has been gracious. They’ve learned to be grateful, and as a family, we’ve been able to rejoice together as God has graciously provided. What a great lesson to learn early on in life!

6. Move Heaven and Earth to be at Their Sports Games

Sports were a really important part of my childhood and our kids have each found their own athletic interests too. I’ve had more heart-to-heart, ‘life talks’ around the issues of sports than any other single thing. When their sports schedules come out, I enter their games into my calendar just like I would a work appointment. So much of what you learn in life comes from what you learn on the field or court. I want to be present and cheering them on for all those moments, win, lose or draw.

7. Become An Expert On Who They Are 

I love personality and work assessments. They give me insight into who would be a good hire. These are great tools for our kids too. I’ve learned how (and when) to criticize, and when to keep my mouth shut. Our four kids are all so different, and learning how to best connect with them has been a real game changer. (If you’re interested in learning more, for a small fee, the Kolbe Index offers a great assessment of how your child works. Myers-Briggs also has some helpful tools and assessments that are free.) 

8. Kiss Your Wife in Front of Your Kids  

One of the best parts of being a dad is making your kids squirm. Nothing gets a bigger reaction from my kids than showing love and affection for my wife in front of them. All kidding aside, I want to model what a loving husband should look like for my daughters and for my son. Today, they say “Ewww!” but someday they’ll get it and appreciate it. 

9. Keep the Main Things, the Main Things 

Some parents make grades and test scores the end all, be all. Of course, we want our kids to succeed and try hard, but in light of eternity those measurements don’t matter. What we care about is if they know and love Jesus Christ. If they do, then the conversation changes to doing our best, for God’s glory. An easy “A” says less about you than a hard-fought-for “C” when you’re overcoming obstacles. Keep the main things the main things, and Lord willing, they’ll grow up doing the same.

10. Protect Your Kids, Even When It’s Costly

Sometimes doing what’s best for your kids puts you at odds with other people you care about. Fathers are called to protect. In the most extreme cases it might be a life or death situation, or it might be removing toxic people from life. I wouldn’t have chosen the suffering that accompanied some of the decisions I had to make about protecting my kids. But I would choose to protect them at the expense of those relationships a million times over. It’s been one of the most defining things in my life as a father.

In Praise of All the Ordinary (& Imperfect) Fathers

Isn’t it amazing that God showed his heart toward us through the description of him as our Father? His heart of love for us is like an earthly father’s love for his children. And while our earthly fathers try and fail, our Heavenly Father loves us perfectly and completely. 

Being a dad is a huge job. The stakes are high and the culture in which we live isn’t friendly to strong male leadership in the home. Yet, this has always been God’s plan. He’s always intended for imperfect men to lead imperfectly and in dependence on him.   

I’m thankful for Tim, and my Dad, who’ve lovingly laid down their own lives, to love and serve us well. It’s their imperfections and their ordinary-ness that makes what God does with these acts of faith so extraordinary. 

Christian fathers, you are the bedrock of our homes and society, and you are extraordinary. We don’t sing your praises loudly and often enough. Thank you and Happy Father’s Day!

Cara Ray. In Praise of the Ordinary Fathers Making an Extraordinary Difference. June, 2021. Cara and Tim Ray.

https://cara-ray.com/in-praise-of-the-ordinary-fathers-making-an-extraordinary-difference/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=in-praise-of-the-ordinary-fathers-making-an-extraordinary-difference